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Shut up, Pete Sessions

Congressional Republicans made a sneaky rule change in order to circumvent the rules of Congress and ensure that the Government stays shut down by no longer allowing a member of Congress to call for a vote, unless that member of Congress is the House Majority Leader Eric Cantor.

House rules typically allow any member, Republican or Democrat, to call up a Senate-passed bill for a vote. But on Sept. 30 — the eve of the government shutdown — Republicans on the House Rules Committee changed the rule so only House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Va.) could call up a Senate-passed clean funding bill — a bill that has the votes to pass the House and would end the shutdown, if it were given a vote. The move to prevent lawmakers from bringing up the bill came as part of Republican leaders’ strategy to try to extract concessions from Democrats in exchange for reopening the government.
Jennifer Bendery

Always Be Cloturing

Shutdown FanFic #9: David Mamet’s GlenHarry GlenReid

(via Shawn, originally posted as this comment on Gawker)

The Senate Majority break room. Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Dick Durbin are seated, classroom style and chattering. Blake, a well-dressed and confident dealmaker stands before them. He clears his throat.

BLAKE: Let me have your attention for a moment because what you’re talking about… bitching about the bill that didn’t pass, the one stuck in committee, that lobbyist you want to take for some campaign money, that intern you want to screw and so forth… let’s talk about something important. Are they all here?

REID: All but one.

BLAKE: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. You. Put that coffee down. Coffee is for cloture. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I am here from Pennsylvania Avenue. Barry and Joe sent me. What’s your name? Durbin?

DURBIN: Yeah.

BLAKE: You call yourself a senator, you son of a bitch?

SCHUMER: I don’t gotta listen to this shit.

BLAKE: You certainly don’t, pal. Because the good news is that you’re cut off from re-election funds. You’re basically fired. You’ve got one week to regain your status, starting tonight. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, because we’re adding a little something to this month’s legislative calendar. Sponsor and pass a budget and you get a Lincoln… bedroom. That’s right, the bedroom bedroom of the Great Emancipator is your personal no-tell motel for one year. You want money from anyone that room is yours to use to get it. Co-sponsor a budget and you get a set of mint condition, 2008 Obama Inauguration commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint. Third prize is you’re fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? You got votes. Barry and Joe paid good money. Whip those votes and count them. You can’t whip the votes you’ve been given, you don’t count for shit, and you are shit, pack up and head to K STREET, because you are out.

FEINSTEIN: The caucus is weak. We can’t control the House.

BLAKE: You can’t close on a fucking house? You child. The caucus is weak? You’re weak!

SCHUMER: What’s your name?

BLAKE: FUCK YOU, that’s my name. You know why, Senator? Because I road the Amtrak Acela into town next to Joe Fucking Biden tonight and you flew into Reagan and then took a fucking cab like a chump. That’s my name. You’re [sic] name is “you’re wanting,” and you can’t play a man’s game. You can’t close the House? Then go on MSNBC and tell Rachel Maddow your troubles because the only thing that matters now is to bring the President a bill that he can sign on the line that is dotted. A.B.C. Always Be Cloturing. Always Be Cloturing. A.I.D.A. A. Attention. Do I have your attention? I. Interest. Do you realize that we have to pay interest on our fucking Treasury bonds? D. Decision. Are you going to decide not to destroy the global financial system again? A. Action. Are you going to do something? Because, it’s fuck or walk!

DURBIN: You’re such a hero, why are you down here talking to a bunch of bums like us?

BLAKE: You see this watch? I persuaded the United States Senate to authorize the government to purchase this watch for me at a 1,000 times retail, with the Republicans in the majority. You see, pal, that’s who I am. I own shirts that have cost the U.S. Treasury more money than every ethanol subsidy that has ever been shoveled into your corn-larded state. You think this is abuse? You think I’m a cocksucker? You can’t take this, how do you handle a base closing commission? You don’t like it, leave. I can go out tonight, with the majority you have, and pass a budget that includes public funding for indecent homosexual art without compromising one bit of Obamacare. Can you say the same? Get mad, you sons of bitches. Get mad! You know what it takes to pass laws in the United States of America? The Founding Fathers had them. That’s right. Wooden balls. Impervious to syphilis. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I am here because Barry and Joe asked me to be here. They asked for a favor. I said the real favor is to follow my advice and get rid of you all ‘cause a loser is a loser.

sup lakers

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There’s a Massive US Salmonella Outbreak Amid the FDA Shutdown

The Republican Shutdown is putting more lives of Americans in jeopardy by shutting off Government agencies like the Food and Drug Administration in the midst of a salmonella outbreak. How much longer must we be held hostage by these teahadis while they play a losing game of chicken?
via Gizmodo — There's a Massive US Salmonella Outbreak Amid the FDA Shutdown

Unfit for consumption, but many will never know before it's too late. Especially considering those most vulnerable are the ones adamant about washing chicken poultry in the sink before cooking it.

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Republicans Are Getting What They Want – This Is What They Want – Esquire


This is the real motivation behind all the tricornered hats and the incantations about liberty and all the conjuring words that have summoned up the latest crisis in our democracy. Corporate money is the power behind all of it, and that corporate money has but one goal — the creation of a largely subjugated population and a workforce grateful for whatever scraps fall from the table. To accomplish this, the corporate money not only had to disable the institutions of self-government that are the people’s only real protection, it had to do so in such a way that the people expect less and less of the government and, therefore, less and less of each other, acting in the interest of the political commonwealth.

Charles P. Pierce for Esquire, Republicans Are Getting What They Want – This Is What They Want

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Meet the Morons Who Caused This Shutdown – Esquire

Our nation's best and brightest. Stop laughing.
Our nation’s best and brightest. Stop laughing.

Best read in the voice of your favorite sports game announcer:

“Just because the Supreme Court rules on something doesn’t necessarily mean that that’s constitutional. What that means is that that’s what they decided on that particular day given the makeup of the Court on that particular day.”

Representative Jim Bridenstine of Oklahoma in Esquire

I LOL’ed.