Hello, Book Bag and Coffee Cup. Good morning, Purple Scarf and BlackBerry.

You are correct: I’m a selfish asshole, but that isn’t why I’m sitting in a seat on the bus with my bag next to me as I was holding it for my imaginary friend.

I’m sitting like a jackass because Iowa City Transit hasn’t consulted a ruler or some other magical measuring device to know they have reduced the seat space too far and now accommodate fewer passengers on the goddamned bus. Brilliant move, dicks.

So if you want to sit next to me, North Face and Scrubs, you can sure as shit try, but don’t look all indignant when you sit halfway in the aisle because I’m taking too much room. Take it up with the Bus People, and good-day.

I SAID GOOD-DAY.