Shutdown FanFic #9: David Mamet’s GlenHarry GlenReid

(via Shawn, originally posted as this comment on Gawker)

The Senate Majority break room. Harry Reid, Chuck Schumer, Diane Feinstein and Dick Durbin are seated, classroom style and chattering. Blake, a well-dressed and confident dealmaker stands before them. He clears his throat.

BLAKE: Let me have your attention for a moment because what you’re talking about… bitching about the bill that didn’t pass, the one stuck in committee, that lobbyist you want to take for some campaign money, that intern you want to screw and so forth… let’s talk about something important. Are they all here?

REID: All but one.

BLAKE: Well, I’m going anyway. Let’s talk about something important. You. Put that coffee down. Coffee is for cloture. You think I’m fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I am here from Pennsylvania Avenue. Barry and Joe sent me. What’s your name? Durbin?

DURBIN: Yeah.

BLAKE: You call yourself a senator, you son of a bitch?

SCHUMER: I don’t gotta listen to this shit.

BLAKE: You certainly don’t, pal. Because the good news is that you’re cut off from re-election funds. You’re basically fired. You’ve got one week to regain your status, starting tonight. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good, because we’re adding a little something to this month’s legislative calendar. Sponsor and pass a budget and you get a Lincoln… bedroom. That’s right, the bedroom bedroom of the Great Emancipator is your personal no-tell motel for one year. You want money from anyone that room is yours to use to get it. Co-sponsor a budget and you get a set of mint condition, 2008 Obama Inauguration commemorative plates from the Franklin Mint. Third prize is you’re fired. Do you get the picture? Are you laughing now? You got votes. Barry and Joe paid good money. Whip those votes and count them. You can’t whip the votes you’ve been given, you don’t count for shit, and you are shit, pack up and head to K STREET, because you are out.

FEINSTEIN: The caucus is weak. We can’t control the House.

BLAKE: You can’t close on a fucking house? You child. The caucus is weak? You’re weak!

SCHUMER: What’s your name?

BLAKE: FUCK YOU, that’s my name. You know why, Senator? Because I road the Amtrak Acela into town next to Joe Fucking Biden tonight and you flew into Reagan and then took a fucking cab like a chump. That’s my name. You’re [sic] name is “you’re wanting,” and you can’t play a man’s game. You can’t close the House? Then go on MSNBC and tell Rachel Maddow your troubles because the only thing that matters now is to bring the President a bill that he can sign on the line that is dotted. A.B.C. Always Be Cloturing. Always Be Cloturing. A.I.D.A. A. Attention. Do I have your attention? I. Interest. Do you realize that we have to pay interest on our fucking Treasury bonds? D. Decision. Are you going to decide not to destroy the global financial system again? A. Action. Are you going to do something? Because, it’s fuck or walk!

DURBIN: You’re such a hero, why are you down here talking to a bunch of bums like us?

BLAKE: You see this watch? I persuaded the United States Senate to authorize the government to purchase this watch for me at a 1,000 times retail, with the Republicans in the majority. You see, pal, that’s who I am. I own shirts that have cost the U.S. Treasury more money than every ethanol subsidy that has ever been shoveled into your corn-larded state. You think this is abuse? You think I’m a cocksucker? You can’t take this, how do you handle a base closing commission? You don’t like it, leave. I can go out tonight, with the majority you have, and pass a budget that includes public funding for indecent homosexual art without compromising one bit of Obamacare. Can you say the same? Get mad, you sons of bitches. Get mad! You know what it takes to pass laws in the United States of America? The Founding Fathers had them. That’s right. Wooden balls. Impervious to syphilis. And to answer your question, pal, why am I here? I am here because Barry and Joe asked me to be here. They asked for a favor. I said the real favor is to follow my advice and get rid of you all ‘cause a loser is a loser.