Aside

Nice timeout before relaunch, GitHub. Just endlessly launch your crashing launchd job, that’s not completely stupid and obnoxious.

Huh. 73,627 crashes of your stupid launchd job.

In three days.

Three.

Octocat’s gonna need a new name, on account of I’m mercilessly beating the mutant mascot to death with one of those tentacles right now!

com.github.GitHub.ShitIt

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I AM an asshole, but this wasn’t my idea

Hello, Book Bag and Coffee Cup. Good morning, Purple Scarf and BlackBerry.

You are correct: I’m a selfish asshole, but that isn’t why I’m sitting in a seat on the bus with my bag next to me as I was holding it for my imaginary friend.

I’m sitting like a jackass because Iowa City Transit hasn’t consulted a ruler or some other magical measuring device to know they have reduced the seat space too far and now accommodate fewer passengers on the goddamned bus. Brilliant move, dicks.

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Look at all this legroom. So luxurious!

So if you want to sit next to me, North Face and Scrubs, you can sure as shit try, but don’t look all indignant when you sit halfway in the aisle because I’m taking too much room. Take it up with the Bus People, and good-day.

I SAID GOOD-DAY.

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Fox plays hardball and asks the really tough questions*

  • This man is lying.

Fox News bravely ignores the obvious question about how in the holy hell did an 8-year-old kid have access to a loaded firearm, and instead shows the sort of journalistic integrity they’re known for and blames Grand Theft Auto IV because Vidya Games kill people, not guns.

It’s that type of double-talk that completely erodes their political position while simultaneously validating the bias you already know is there. It’s not Right or Wrong, it’s Us versus Them. The Fox viewing audience like everything to be about them: Their Money, Their Guns, Their Marriage, Their Language, Their Schools, Their Officials, Their talking points — an echo chamber to validate whatever selfish and short-sighted world view they have because every other channel they turn to reminds them that they’re not the only people walking the Earth.


This shooting occurred in Louisiana, where Bobby Jindal (still!?!) has the State Troopers running around arresting people for consensual gay sex like Vladamir Putin. In Putin’s case it’s possibly legal, but in Louisiana those stupid laws were defanged by the Supreme Court years ago.

The State Department should be issuing travel advisories for Florida, Texas, Virginia, and Louisiana because it has been raining stupid down there for months and surely they’re flooded by now.

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Shut up, Ted Nugent

When not taking to the stage and performing a sold-out show to dozens of fans at the Airport Marriott, this has-been musician likes to remind us all why being a member of the National Rifle Association is a tell-tale symptom of Stupid. His rants about the Affordable Care Act are especially ironic since it bars insurance companies from denying coverage to customers based on pre-existing conditions like Stupid, but it is not known at this time if he will seek treatment.

“And their morally bankrupt agenda is wrong, anti-American and counterproductive. Their agenda will achieve nothing except to rape our Constitution and urinate on the vision of our Founding Fathers.” — Ted Nugent, notable pants-shitter, crazy-eyed draft-dodger, and constitutional scholar

Shut up, Alex Jones

In the aftermath of the Boston Marathon bombings this week, there are of course the usual numbers of adorable little wingnuts gathered around the trough of derp at Free Republic, FOX Nation, and of course, Infowars.com.


The latest in a series of shocking exposés into our shadow government and false flags designed to allow our Kenyan Muslim President to confiscate “are freedoms” suggests that Navy SEALs were involved, because as we all know, the United States Navy sends their best and brightest to fascist dictator summer camp and trains them to worship President Obama as a God and kill Americans at his command. The entire notion is complete and utter horseshit, but using credible sources like 4chan and a copy of MS-Paint, the crack squad of investigators at Infowars.com has put together some fascinating evidence that the mouth-breathing brigade takes as unimpeachable:

What an Alex Jones evidence locker might contain, along with some brilliant insight from the mind of a great American, and what surely must be at least a dozen voices in his head

Fascinating. He’s found some images mocked up from a website that is absolutely legendary for being the ground zero of all that is Internet Trolling, and cribs from that for his tinfoil hat-wearing hillfolk. But I did a little sleuthing of my own to debunk this so-called theory and find the real culprit using the same tactics Alex Jones would use.

I went to Google Image Search and uploaded a screengrab of the skull logo that was overlaid as evidence that the so-called suspects in the so-called damning photographic evidence that Navy SEALs were involved, and goddammit if I wasn’t surprised to learn that it wasn’t Navy SEALs at all, but a vigilante FBI agent named Frank Castle.

Google Image Search

It turns out that this fellow even has a bit of a following and some comic books written about him; making him something of a folk hero for nerds everywhere. He even has one of those cool names like computer hackers have: the Punisher.

Not only is this malcontent the subject of many comic books, he was even depicted in a major motion picture, further eroding Alex Jones’ claim that these men are SEALs or CIA operatives, because as you can clearly read in the classified dossier I found online of this man, he is FBI.

What a dossier might look like

It is with great humility I submit to the sophisticated readers of Infowars.com the identity of our assailant. Please do not engage this individual in one-to-one combat, even though you are no doubt carrying numerous firearms. Instead, you should seek shelter and contact Spider Man or Commissioner Gordon at the Gotham City Police Department.

What a worthy adversary might look likeContact this man for help

You can run, but you can’t hide, “Punisher”.